survive the zombie apocolypse

I need to lose weight (what else is new, blah blah blah). Like most people in my predicament, I am struggling to find the impetus and motivation to give a big enough shit to actually consider doing something about it. You see, we're not even at the do something stage, because I can't yet care enough to think about doing something.

I do not have a soul-sucking negative body image. I am not a slave to the constant barrage of media that tells me only emaciated, starving waifs will ever have/give satisfying sex, and therefore be valuable. Perhaps these things give other people the external motivation to give a shit, I don't know.

So here is my note to myself, of all the reasons I should give a shit about losing weight.

Get out of a plastic lawn chair

When your butt exceeds a certain width and you sit with that butt in a little, lightweight plastic lawn chair, the sides of your butt get stuck in the handles and that asshole chair comes with you when you stand up. Yeah... THAT'S not embarrassing at a beach party with a bunch of granola eating, mountain hiking, trendy lesbians.

Bend over without suffocating to death

Someday, I would like to tie my shoe or peer into my navel whenever I damn well please without suffocating to death on my chin or waistband.

 

Keep up with my 70 year old bum-footed father-in-law at the zoo

That shit is embarrassing. Also, I would like to be able to still walk around the zoo when I am in my 70's. I'm guessing that won't happen at this rate.

Dive into the ocean and listen to the goddamn whales sing

I discovered this fun little limitation on our honeymoon - when your body becomes wrapped in too much insulating blubber, your big ass is now a certified salt water flotation device - as in it can not sink. Want to follow the scuba instructor down into the water a few feet to hear the whales sing 2 miles off the coast of Porte Vallarta? Too bad! You're too fat. But on the plus side, everyone around you feels a little safer knowing they can grab on if they get too tired.

 

Be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Because right now, I am totally the fat chick that can't keep up with everyone else and ends up tripping, breaking my ankle, and "taking one for the team" by letting everyone else get away while the zombies eat my alive. Screw you assholes, YOU take one for the team. I want to live.



There are more, I am sure of it. I shall add to this list.

writing advice i never take

Don't talk about it.

Don't think about it.

JUST WRITE

Every day I have have at least ten things run through my head that I want to write about. Problem one - I never write them down. Horrible habit two - every time I sit down to write, I am annoyingly, frustratingly and  unerringly compelled to write about how I never write, how I want to write, and cover a year or more of time with excuses why i have not written. Which of course is annoying and BORING, so I smack myself in the face and check Facebook instead. And I never write anything.

WTF with that, self? My only consolation is that damn near every "how to blog" from experienced bloggers like PIWTPITT, list has "stop talking about writing and write" on it, I know this syndrome is not unique to me. SO... now that I have gotten it out of my system (I seriously fucking hope) and written about writing, I will now write some things down that go through my head. If I can catch them.

why i am starting a blog

Mostly because when I read an awesome blogs I find myself saying "I could totally do that!" Then I think of all the things I could write about, like my little sister's song "Ode to a Pickle" or how awesome it would be to date a unicorn (wait... oatmeal already did that one). 

damn. 

then i realize that i don't really like capital letters and punctuation is questionable, and people will mock me.

bring it on, mock away. but i have a blog now, so you can bite it.